Singing & crying at the top of my lungs. Wash, rinse, repeat.
It's so hard to get up off the floor again
But I know that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies
But I know that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies
that I won't reach the end
Depression lies, people.
I have suffered for years & years, always hiding beneath the reality of this debilitating illness. But the trouble with suffering in silence? You're then just left alone with you & the depression. The Liar. And when you're alone, just the two of you, the little bitch shows her fangs.
She [I always envisioned The Liar as a woman, cause no man cares enough to be that vindictive] reminds you of everything you're not. Points out every mistake you've made, with a detailed timeline. Holds up pictures of each person in your life & why they have reasons to hate you. She knows just which buttons to push, which triggers to target, & knows exactly how to bring you to your knees. Last night she had me believing my kids would be better off without me.
& I'm sick & tired of her winning.
We've played this back & forth game for too long. Where she forces me into a ball on my bed, hysterical because I can't see through to the other side. I feel hopeless, worthless, and like I deserve nothing. My husband sits & tries to talk reason into me- "Quit saying those things", "That's not true", "Look at us, we love you." And then I'm left trying to justify her words because why- in the entire universe- would this sweet man put up with this shit.
And so I sleep. I sleep away the pain, the tears, the LIES. And I wake, searching for strength wherever I can find it. Today I feel renewed, purely by a song that was singing to my soul from the moment my eyes opened.
I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope believing
God is for me who, can bring me down?
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope believing
God is for me who, can bring me down?
I am sharing this because I want to out the bitch. I want to show her ugly face so that she doesn't feel entitled to hide within me.
I want to be stronger than her hold on me. Than the lies she weaves into truths to make me believe her.
I will win.
I will be better.
I will be better.
I will not be defeated.
Nailed it !!! This pretty much describes the hag!
ReplyDeleteA lot of people 'claim' to understand depression, but they don't.
Many think it's fixed by popping a pill and going on with daily life, and 'getting OVER-IT'. (That's only a band-aid. Long-term wounds covered by bandages get infected eventually, and then you have a bigger mess to deal with.)
Some, quite frankly, don't want to understand depression or even want to be bothered with someone who has it. In other words, they 'don't want to hear it!' or they're tired of hearing it. A depressed individual venting ANNOYS them!! Some will eventually turn on the person venting. Again, they don't want to be bothered. They don't have time.
And unfortunately, a few take the bitch's side and actually help the old girl out and have solid rationales for their actions.
What's really sad - some of these people are from your own family or have been close-trusted people in your life.
You WILL figure this out and get through this!!! You will come out the other side, I promise! The age factor helps. There's no overnight cure.
Surround yourself with those who genuinely support you and your journey through this. Don't WASTE YOUR TIME with those who don't (or those who falsely claim to.) Don't try to convince them of anything - it doesn't work. They don't 'get IT' and they don't want to.
First - definitely get to know God/Jesus/Holy Spirit - and study. Your Heavenly Father will NEVER fail you - EVER!!! At the same time, find the root of when this female of the canine persuasion first reared her ugly face in your life. Talk therapy gets a bad rap, but a good counselor really helps in accomplishing goals, getting to the root-cause, and enables a person with the tools to fight and win the battle. You have to do the homework though.
And while doing this - hold up your first three fingers high in the air and tell the bitch to read between the lines cause you're done with her bull-shit. Enough is enough !
Love you - xoxo - Stephanie