No Matter What.

Every since Jack was a little boy, he has been obsessed with superheroes. His ability to remember each name, power, and nemesis has carried over year after year as he's built his knowledge of all things super. Most nights he dreams about being the hero- saving others from the bad guys and rescuing his family from peril. He so desperately wants these stories to be real and wants to be the shining star in his own cinematic universe. 

Little does he know he possesses a rare quality that allows him to stand tall amongst these other heroes. He cannot fly or shoot webs. He doesn't have super strength or a cape. But he does have the power of truth. This innate sense to be honest, all of the time, even when it puts himself in the line of fire. He simply can't help it. 

We have now had two incidents when Jack relayed to me something one of his teachers has said. Two moments that have brought whatever I was doing to a screeching halt, causing me to take a deep breath before further questioning. Two moments I keep replaying over and over, struggling to find the correct course of response. 

The first happened a few months back at his last preschool. While driving home from school, Jack began to tell me that two of his friends who are girls were playing dress up and pretending to get married. The teacher (whom I was never fond of anyways) made them stop playing and told the class that girls can't marry girls and boys can't marry boys because it's gross. I was livid. I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks and a million thoughts raced through my mind. But in those few seconds, I looked back at Jack and could see him waiting for a response. He was looking for an answer, looking for Mommy to explain. 

Up until this point, we had never had an in-depth conversation on this topic. He is only 5. Plus, I felt the way we lived our lives and the lovely, diverse people we surrounded ourselves with would speak louder than words. But in this moment I could tell his teacher's words were more powerful. I spoke honestly with him. Told him that every person believes differently but that in our house, in our family, we believed each person is entitled to love whomever they love. Girls can marry girls, boys can marry boys, and girls can marry boys. It doesn't matter. What matters is being a good, kind person who treats everyone with respect. 

I believe he understood on a very basic level. I could tell he was feeling something, but he wouldn't express it. My guess is that he was confused as to why his teacher and Mommy weren't on the same page. We previously have spent so much time ensuring the kids listen and respect their teachers, yet here I was telling him that his teacher was wrong.

I decided not to address this with the school. We were just a week or two away from moving and I wasn't sure beginning this debate on our way out would be beneficial. So I let it lay. Making a mark on my motherhood chart of moments to remember and revisit when needed. 

Fast forward to this morning. We were racing through our typical morning routine when Jack pointed out that we had different skin colors. His is more yellow and Mommy's is more pink, as he described. On the way to the bathroom, I hurriedly said that we all have different skin colors and that's part of what makes each of us special. Jack then told me that last week at school they were reading a book and his teacher said that people with white skin and people with brown skin can't be together. WHAT? Again, I paused for a moment- processing what he said and how to appropriately react. After I took a breath, I asked him for more details. I wanted to make sure that what he was saying and what I was processing were the same thing. He repeated the same story, that his teacher had said that people with different color skin can't be together. 

I felt livid again, but also a bit defeated. Here we are, dealing with two major examples of discrimination in a six month period. Why can't kids be kids? Why are adults saying these sorts of things to children and why is my five year old having to process these very complex societal issues at such a young age? 

Our talk partially mirrored the last conversation, but this time I made sure Lily was part of the discussion as well. Ultimately, I made them repeat a phrase over and over and over, "It doesn't matter the color of your skin or who you love, as long as you're a good person". 

I find myself wavering back and forth on how to handle this. The advocate in me wants to march into school and scold that teacher for placing her ignorance onto a group of children. I want to stand up and shout as loud as I can. But Jack begged me not to. He said he was scared that the teacher would be mad at him. And I knew in my heart that I couldn't tell him he was wrong. The likelihood of this teacher being punished was slim to none. So then what?

The reality is that both of my kiddos are growing up in a changing world. Nobody can turn a blind eye to the blazing wars of discrimination that are burning down this country. We can't pretend this doesn't exist. But I also can't battle every person who attempts to fill my kids head with hate. I can walk into the school and speak my peace. But at the end of the day, the only difference that can be made is the one I hand out at home. All I can truly do is speak love and acceptance into their hearts and fill them with so much respect and empathy that they will know right from wrong when they hear it. 

I don't have a superpower. Motherhood doesn't come with a cape or magic wand to shield the ones you love. I may never possess anything more or less than the next mother out here doing her best. But I will instill in my children the importance of love. And acceptance. And compassion. No matter what. 

Preparing.

As John loads another round of boxes for storage, I walk through our almost empty rooms and take a moment. For the first time, I let it all sink in and immediately feel my heart sink into my stomach. This isn't just another move, it's a giant leap into our future. 

Starting shortly after we dated, John & I became accustomed to chaos. We were never idle for long together, whether we were dealing with family tragedies, surprise pregnancies or career shifts. There has always been a "What's next"" element that we have grown used to. And we have prevailed- above all else- stronger than before. I know we will survive what's coming.

But shit, does it suck.

I guess I've been too distracted to soak it all in. I keep playing through the mundane parts of my day where I can call John and just chat. Or that moment when he comes home from work and I let out a sigh of relief, that our Daddy is home. Beyond not having him beside me at night, I won't have my partner during the days. 

He is making a sacrifice, not only to live a dream but to provide a better future for our family. I support him one thousand percent. I stand by him, beaming with pride at his service. 

We will survive. I will keep the kids distracted so they don't let the sadness sink in & I will reach out and ask for support, even when I'm not so good at doing that. We will be stronger for him when he's done and our family will fall that much more in love upon his return. We can do this.

But it's going to fucking suck. 

The Liar.

One More Round

Do yourself a favor & have a listen.

Singing & crying at the top of my lungs. Wash, rinse, repeat. 

  It's so hard to get up off the floor again
But I know that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies 

that I won't reach the end

Depression lies, people.

I have suffered for years & years, always hiding beneath the reality of this debilitating illness. But the trouble with suffering in silence? You're then just left alone with you & the depression. The Liar. And when you're alone, just the two of you, the little bitch shows her fangs. 

She [I always envisioned The Liar as a woman, cause no man cares enough to be that vindictive] reminds you of everything you're not. Points out every mistake you've made, with a detailed timeline. Holds up pictures of each person in your life & why they have reasons to hate you. She knows just which buttons to push, which triggers to target, & knows exactly how to bring you to your knees. Last night she had me believing my kids would be better off without me.

& I'm sick & tired of her winning.

We've played this back & forth game for too long. Where she forces me into a ball on my bed, hysterical because I can't see through to the other side. I feel hopeless, worthless, and like I deserve nothing. My husband sits & tries to talk reason into me- "Quit saying those things", "That's not true", "Look at us, we love you." And then I'm left trying to justify her words because why- in the entire universe- would this sweet man put up with this shit.

And so I sleep. I sleep away the pain, the tears, the LIES. And I wake, searching for strength wherever I can find it. Today I feel renewed, purely by a song that was singing to my soul from the moment my eyes opened. 

I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope believing
God is for me who, can bring me down?

I am sharing this because I want to out the bitch. I want to show her ugly face so that she doesn't feel entitled to hide within me. 

I want to be stronger than her hold on me. Than the lies she weaves into truths to make me believe her. 

I will win.
I will be better.

I will not be defeated.

Open Letter

Dear God,

Remember me? It's been some time since we've spoken. To be honest, I don't recall the moment we drifted so far apart or why. But I know since I've lost sight of You, I've found it difficult to find my way back. Losing focus of You caused me to wander and drift and question so many things. I can't quite make out what I believe anymore. 

But lately, I miss You. I miss the stillness I had when You were in my life. I miss the confidence and calmness I had when I knew You were holding me. I miss the way I could relieve tension and anxiety just by being assured You were behind the wheel. 

I'm longing for that feeling again. Of knowing someone greater than myself has control, even when I lose it. I need to feel that love that only You can provide. There were times when that love was all I had. 

I know this is my fault. And I ask Your forgiveness as I stumble my way back into your life, if You'll have me. 

I've lost sight of the blessings in my life and only seem to focus on the negative. I've been holding onto grudges and pain and betrayal much more than I've been enjoying the love and laughs in life. I am broken in a way that only You can make right. In a way that only my faith in You and Your love for me can heal.  

I ask for Your patience as I make my way back to You. 

Sincerely,
Desperately Trying

I do. [but like...the other kind]

My lack of post is due to the craziness of entering into military life. A few weeks ago, we dear husband swore into the Air Force Reserves. 

After a year and a half battle trying to go AD & being tossed in every direction because of paperwork regarding the Marines, he was finally directed towards Reserves. It's not where he's going to stay, but it was the easiest & quickest way to get his foot in the door. And after waiting all this time, his window to leave is very short. So we are planning & packing & trying to get a million things in order.

Can I just say how proud I am of this man? Not only because of the service he's giving to our country, but because of the fight he had to fight just to serve his country! He never gave up to get this point, even when I threw my hands in the air in defeat. He never lost sight of his goal, even when everyone kept throwing another hoop for him to jump through. This was a defining moment in our marriage, and in our lives. 

And I'm proud to stand beside him. 

After Baby Body

My youngest child just turned a year, yet I still struggle with this new body of mine. 

I had two children very close together and my body never recovered from the first before I was knocked up again. I struggle. Sometimes I hate getting dressed because it seems impossible to find something flattering. I have tree stump legs. My ass was big before, but is in another galaxy now. The stretch marks have at least faded to skin tone, but my stomach still looks like a drunk GPS map. And what is with this fupa that once held my child? I can't figure out if it goes into my pants or above. Most days I just tuck it into my underwear and go about my day. 

My bangs are a little shorter these days.

 

 

That said, the self loathing is getting old these days. The whining about my rolls. The bitching about wearing cotton undies from Target because Victoria's Secret doesn't cover my crack and hides beneath the fupa. The comparing myself to other Mom's who bounced back from their pregnancies. I'm tired of hating myself for the changes in my body.

But you know what? Somehow through the insecurity, sexy time is hotter than ever with the husband. Hotter than pre-kids. I don't know if it's confidence in my marriage or contentment with my body, but I do feel sexier than ever. I feel empowered in what my body can do.


I just need to figure out how to feel hot with my husband AND attractive in the everyday, without privately hating myself. I need to quit whispering lies to myself about what other people might be thinking. I need to quit worrying about what other people think at all when it shouldn't even matter. 


Damnit, I birthed two children and I have a husband who loves me. Screw the rest of the insecurity! 


[But really, if you have a secret to love yourself post-babies, please share.]


xo

Have you met my kids?

They're pretty awesome. Allow me to introduce you...

This is Jack. 

His "Take the damn picture, Mom" smile.

God help us all, he's so much like me. Stubborn as hell, wants what he wants when he wants it. But as long as this kid can have some fun, he's tolerable. :-) He's super smart- knows all of his letters and can count to ten. Lives to be outdoors and can out slide your kid. He's what I call an "angry shy" when he first meets people, but warms up and then is all smiles. He's also Mommy's snuggle bug and loves to cuddle up with a movie or a pile of books. 

His interests include: Cars 2, slides, chips & candy, the alphabet, Toy Story, singing, Angry Birds, books, claiming ownership of anything his sister touches, and going anywhere.

& this is Lily.

 

Try to take me out of this swing & I will cut you.

She is such a crazy little sweetheart. She loves other kids, especially her big brother. Girl loves to laugh and knows how to get some attention. She's a pro at walking and entertains everyone with her determination. She leans on the side of a Daddy's girl, so much so that anyone she likes is "Dada!" Perfect mix of girly and tomboy.

Her interests include: Food, eating, food, baby dolls, giving kisses, chewing on dirty shoes, being a dancing machine, walking, pretty painted toes, swinging, her bottle, annoying/playing with her brother.

xo